How sick my thoughts are

Sometimes I think maybe just maybe if I were to be missing or lost who will be worried for me.
I am seriously seriously dissapointed with my mom. Every guy I date she has something to say. frist T she says he is a gambler and looks retarted. Ok fine. Then KJ, he is an indian and he might not make enough to support you and the family in future. So whats next...........
It just seems to me like my mom doesnt like every guy I date.... I don't know.
To me she just doesn't want me to get married and stay with her for the rest of her life and be her gal. Oh welll if that is what she wants I guessss I willl probably give in since I don't think I willl ever get married. So why bother looking forward for pushing people to marry me. End of the day my mom willl stilll say no..................
Since mom threaten me that if I do she might get a heart attack and die or whatsoever
And I might even make my dad sick and all my sisters not able to get married.
So whatever it is its my fault if any of this happens to me.
So what will u choose urself or ur family????????

Screw man.... can't wait tillllll I die.
I know I am full of shit.
But when you are in my situation you might be suiciding toooooo.

Gonna Start bloging back

I seriously screwed up my life, I think. I am sooo aimless so full of negativity. When I first started dating T at 19 I thought my life was pretty much set. Get married at 27 have kids at 29 and help dad out in his business. Oh was I so screwed when mom forced me to come back to KL after I graduated and T had to cont his studies. Yes we we living apart for 2 and half years before all things went from bad to worst and finalllly we broke up. I balme it on him for having another gal. he blames it on me to be so demanding in life. Anyways there goes my whole dream and whatsoever that comes with it. After alll that I started going on a serious relationship with KJ and its has been 2 years and yes I am 27 and will hit 28 very very very soon. and yes I am no where in getting nearer to getting myself married to him or whatsoever. There is the " my mom doesnt like him part and the we are not financially ready to get married part". So with alllll that I am so so so so so even more lost in life. Yes he promised me that we will get married. But I have learned that things changes as life goes on and promises are meant to be broken sometimes. We cannot promise or control what goes on in our life.
Maybe the only thing that we can do is hope. I on the other hand has given up in hope I guess.
To me right now all I want is to be happy for as long as I can. Whether I willl be someone's wife or not might not be important to me anymore. Coz life's short and who knows.........so why do I even wanna slave myself for things that I know I might not have.
Last month my mom told me that I had to start to focus on my dad's bussiness, I told her I will but I told myself its till they are not around. I am doing this for them not for myself. To me, I dont have anything to live for except my parents and KJ now. They are what is keeping me going every day and night.
Sometimes I think I am a sick..........I guesss when u hope for tooo much and when u falll and lose everything you hope for, its hard getting yourself back on track and live for yourself.