Given Up

I have thought it over and have given up hope in marriage and family. I don't ever think I will be able to get married have kids and also have a happy family like any other girls. I just think that whatever hope I have has been ruined by Thomas Lau Li Hwa. Promises after promises, hopes after hopes. Still he has to be selfish and all. What do I have to say when I have wasted all my youth years waiting for a person. Oh well I guess karma will come to him one day. On the other hand mom doesnt want me to be with KJ because he is of different race. She feels that I won't be happy and all. If mom will go to the extend of disowning me what should I do. Leave my family for KJ or leave KJ for my family. Seriously I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just be alone forever. Anyway I will be too old to know anyone now already. might as well just be alone. My parents wants me to build a career, have my own company one day but I don't see the point as even I were to have a company I don't have anyone to share my happiness and sadness with and what is the point working so hard when at the end of the day when you come home you will still be greeted by an empty house. Who am I to blame........I guess my life is meant to be like this. No matter what I do I am meant to fail in having a family and kids. I reallly do want to get married have kids and also a home. I want to be able to bring life into this world. But probably this is not and never my faith.

Its not that I don't love KJ but just that its going to be impossible to have a family with him. My family won't accept it and how would his family react to all of this when they find out. I really ran out of ideas on what to do. How long is Kj willing to wait. Is he gonna be like Thomas and leave me for another girl in future if I cannot get marry to him. I really have no idea. We will see by then. I know its not fair to you KJ but then I really don't know what to do.

I reallly don't want to go out and look anymore. i don't want to love a person adn to find out my parents are not ok with him. I hate it. i rather not look anymore plus KJ treats me very well and loves me a lot. I just don't know what to do. Hopefully one day things will be clear for me. As for now I just want to be alone. I think maybe my mom wants me to be alone for the rest of my life.
I don't think I can take being alone for the rest of my life. Maybe I will just kill myself before i get old and sick and lonely.

I think I will not ever be that person who is always happy and cheerful anymore. That person is dead. Now I am just going to take one day at a time till the time comes. Therefore since my parents brought me up, paid for my education, my life is theirs and hence I will do whatever they want me to do. So I guess i will try my very best to concentrate on thinking about something to build a company up. As for what I am doing it, its all because of my parents.

Therefore, from today onwards I have to learn to live alone, take care of myself and also but a funeral insurance for myself. In case when I die who is going to settle my funeral. I have decided to not to burried but just cremate and throw my ashes into the sea or some forest so in future since there is not going to be anyone to visit me so I guess leave nothing behind is the best.

So we will see how it goes. As for now just be happy for what I have and be glad that I still have people that loves me.