Feeling Crap

You know how the saying goes learn to love yourself before you love others.
I reallly have not love myself that much lately. I have been abusing myself with pillls and vitamins and medicines and all the shit. I know I might not live long but oh wellll. All I can say is I wanna be there for him right now. Be there for as long as I could. Learn to love him and learn to be a better person. I wanna sometimes bash myself up thinking what the hell you just did.

How sick my thoughts are

Sometimes I think maybe just maybe if I were to be missing or lost who will be worried for me.
I am seriously seriously dissapointed with my mom. Every guy I date she has something to say. frist T she says he is a gambler and looks retarted. Ok fine. Then KJ, he is an indian and he might not make enough to support you and the family in future. So whats next...........
It just seems to me like my mom doesnt like every guy I date.... I don't know.
To me she just doesn't want me to get married and stay with her for the rest of her life and be her gal. Oh welll if that is what she wants I guessss I willl probably give in since I don't think I willl ever get married. So why bother looking forward for pushing people to marry me. End of the day my mom willl stilll say no..................
Since mom threaten me that if I do she might get a heart attack and die or whatsoever
And I might even make my dad sick and all my sisters not able to get married.
So whatever it is its my fault if any of this happens to me.
So what will u choose urself or ur family????????

Screw man.... can't wait tillllll I die.
I know I am full of shit.
But when you are in my situation you might be suiciding toooooo.

Gonna Start bloging back

I seriously screwed up my life, I think. I am sooo aimless so full of negativity. When I first started dating T at 19 I thought my life was pretty much set. Get married at 27 have kids at 29 and help dad out in his business. Oh was I so screwed when mom forced me to come back to KL after I graduated and T had to cont his studies. Yes we we living apart for 2 and half years before all things went from bad to worst and finalllly we broke up. I balme it on him for having another gal. he blames it on me to be so demanding in life. Anyways there goes my whole dream and whatsoever that comes with it. After alll that I started going on a serious relationship with KJ and its has been 2 years and yes I am 27 and will hit 28 very very very soon. and yes I am no where in getting nearer to getting myself married to him or whatsoever. There is the " my mom doesnt like him part and the we are not financially ready to get married part". So with alllll that I am so so so so so even more lost in life. Yes he promised me that we will get married. But I have learned that things changes as life goes on and promises are meant to be broken sometimes. We cannot promise or control what goes on in our life.
Maybe the only thing that we can do is hope. I on the other hand has given up in hope I guess.
To me right now all I want is to be happy for as long as I can. Whether I willl be someone's wife or not might not be important to me anymore. Coz life's short and who knows.........so why do I even wanna slave myself for things that I know I might not have.
Last month my mom told me that I had to start to focus on my dad's bussiness, I told her I will but I told myself its till they are not around. I am doing this for them not for myself. To me, I dont have anything to live for except my parents and KJ now. They are what is keeping me going every day and night.
Sometimes I think I am a sick..........I guesss when u hope for tooo much and when u falll and lose everything you hope for, its hard getting yourself back on track and live for yourself.

Ships that cannot sink nor float

I failed badly in my past relationship. cheated, lied to, and deceived. I have been loyal to the X but what I get is just this. He went off got himself a chick and marries. What about those promises he made when we were on a long distance relationship....hmmm. Anyway its over and I have already hopped onto another ship. How's this ship?????

He is nice, treats me well and all u ever wanted in a guy but the down side to it is mom and dad does not like him. Its the race thing. Sigh.

I have seriously ran out of ideas on what to do. I think I am going to leave it as it is till he pushes to get married and then at that time i will have to see what I should do. I know I know it will be very soon but who knows what will happen to me till then i don't wanna commit to anything.
Don't get me wrong here, I am all ready to get married ever since the X said he will marry me no matter what. But I guess its not my time and luck.

Maybe I am meant to not be married. Maybe its better then I don't have to make anyone sad or mourn when I die. And yes its ok to die alone and have no one at your funeral, because you won't even notice it and when you die its a whole new afterlife and I don't know what will happen. So its there a different between dying alone and dying with a whole lot of people in ur funeral.

Don't get me wrong here I do love K very much and wish to be with him day and night but with the whole mom and dad not allowing thing, I am realllly reallllly stressed. I guess either way I will be unhappy. I guess I will know by then what to do.

What will you do in my situation.
Marry K when he is ready?
or not marry him because of your family?

All about June

June came and gone so fast that I did not even noticed it. June was a pretty big month for me as it was K's birthday. I celebrated his birthday at some steamboat place as he was craving for it. After that every weekend was spend celebrating his birthday with his friends and our friends. Therefore I can say I think I have put on the weight I lost since I started kickboxing a few months ago. Sigh......
Recently I have been thinking quite a lot actually. About life and about my future. I have made a decision to be single for life. I think its easier for me and everyone around me. I am not saying that I am not happy with K. I am very happy but I have family problems that I would say will never allow us to tie the knot. So whether I like it or not.... things are going to stay the same for the rest of my life.
Yes you can say I am selfish or my parents are selfish. Whichever way I think its still my fault in some ways. I don't expect him to wait or anything, he has a life to go on too rite?
The question that people tend to ask me is are u going to be lonely?
I guess i will but do I have a choice my question is. Would you leave your parents and not be there when they are ill and sick and be with someone you love? I reallly don't know the answer.
So I guess I will let things be and enjoy my life. Plus who knows. Life's short especially with cancer being the no one killer nowadays. I am not jinx-ing myself just something to think about sometimes.
So what I do now is aim to lose weight and travel the world when I have someone to go with right now :).

Celebrations adn trips

Recently I went to bandung with mom and sis. The place is reallly heaven for shopholics like my family. The amount of stuff you could purchase is reallly crazy. I bought zara short for RM 36 only..... and zara working pants RM 36 and shirts from RM 28.....sooo go figure how much I shopped.

That was just day 1, so can u imagine day 3........










Weeeeee.......... and next month which is next week its my darling's birthday *wink * *wink*
He will officially turn .............(sorry he will kill me if i tell)

Its going to be the 20th month

Its going to be 20 months in a few more days for me and KJ..... Seams like forever but we stilll fight all the time. Sighhhhhhhh.
I really cannot wait till we celebrate our 2 years anniversary.

My Life so far....

Things has been going reallly well.....hehehehehe. It looks like things are getting better for me. I begin to realize that life is not easy yet it has all the sweetness and bitterness to it. Since the day I started dating Kajen, I realize I am more matured now and its all because of him.. He thought me a lot in life unlike my ex. He is more mature and loves me to bits and pieces. As for me I do love him too and hope that one day my parents and sisters will be able to accept him. he is a far much better guy that T. I am reallly glad to have found him.

I know things will work out between us :)

We have been dining out quite a lot hence me being FAT>>>>> Arghhhhhhh

But still he loves me :) hahahahahahaha