Negativity

Some people are just plain negative..... Negative people pull you down. chin up and screw those comments.
Who the hell thinks that things are gonna end when there is still light.
Negative power makes u a boo hoo person.

Lies

Many people told me that I should tell some white lies and not to be so honest and naive. Come to think of it.....maybe I should. :P

Life is a bliss when you know what and where you stand in the world.

Love should be cherish as you know you will be loved back......

Weeeeee

Weeeeee...... I can dance again...

Reallly been looking for a place to dance and to take exams again and finally finallly the dream is coming true..........

Alll boils doen to Monday and we will see if i could do either the inter or pre inter..
wish me luck.

Stuck in a Dilemma

Now K wanna try aussie land but then the feedbacks from people there are so negative. My neighbour is coming back next month from Sydney because she says earning 5k a month is not enough to sustain a reasonable life in Sydney city, mind you she is renting a 1 bedroom apartment that cost her nealy 2k a month. Some of my friends in Melbourne told me that going back without a high paying job is going to be bad for me and K. My uni friends however states otherwise saying that its not that bad. So now the question is should I do it. I really don't wanna be stinging in everything when I am there. Maybe I should just only be back for holidays.

K is fine if he gets a job. So now its all up to me. Sozzee why oh why...............but its true that I won't have a family there. I know all I have is u guys. But isnt that just enough. do I need more???? I mean I will be busy setting up my new life there. Plus I am only planning to be in Melbourne not Sydney. Everyone that told me not to waste my money lives in Sydney. So most probably Sydney is realllly expensive but Melbourne is fine right?????

SC just moved to Sydney from Melbourne because her bf was offered a 120k job there and she is making a lot tooo as an actuarist, but they still complain that they can't save up enough to buy a house even after selling their houses in Melbourne. So now........ will Melbourne be the same as Sydney. I don't wanna live in boring Adelaide or Canberra... as all my friends are in Melbourne.

Krystal is coming back also from Sydney to Singapore and her fiance is a GP.... and she is a pharmacist and she thinks its hard tooo. If its hard for them what about us. What about our future generation....

there is only a few people that are still in Melbourne and non in Sydney (going to be) as they decided to move back to KL or Singapore. So I guess maybe things are not so green at the other end

I will see if my other friend feels in Sydney when she goes......... then only I will make my decision.

I rest my case.........

DIET FAIL Part XYZ

I really don't know how many attempts I made to go on a DIET and it failed. My stupid stomach and brains failed me today, wait more like willpower failed me. I had nasi lemak..... yes NASI LEMAK which i had not touched for a few months this morning. I got so guilty half way eating eat and decided to stop. Diet failed part 2 today when I had 2 KFC chicken breast because Pauline told me its only 700 calories without the skin.... bravo to that.
Now lets see how am I going to screw my dinner up.....hmmmmmmm

So I guesss its the DIET starts tommorow story for me now.

Neeed a Break sooon

I NEED A HOLIDAY>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Dammmm I reallly need a holiday but I don't really know where to go. I wanna go back to Melbourne and sip coffee by little Bourke St while watching time goes by or maybe go back to Perhentian and soak up some sun or perhaps I should just take some time off and just laze around at home. I have not taken a day off ever since Jan as I am saving it up for my second half of the year's non stop holiday. So I guess I have to reallly suck it up till June comes and off I go to Singapore to meet my Honey for a Singapore shopping trip.
So tilll then... tooodles.

Reasons to life in the land of kangaroos or NOT

Reasons why I should go 1) I love the life there. 2) People there are less fake and make more sense (at least the people I know) 3) Love the working enviroment 4) Love shopping there ( that is if I land myself an awesome job) 5) I can dance all week 6) Me just love it there...... ( I know stupid) Reasons why I shouldnt go.... 1) Bad for my kids.....( not education in terms of brought up) 2) U donate half ur income to the goverment to keep you happy (in long term) 3) Leaving my family behind 4) You are second class citizens and people will look down on you 5) Too many Natural Disasters 6) You will need 2 generations to pay off your house 7) Childcare cost a fortune 8) Shopping centers closes at 6 except for fridays 9) so that I dont have to spend RM20k on applying for the visa Dammmm more cons than pros.... so I guess the saying that the grass is always greener on the other side is reallly true. Its alll an illusion. I spoken to my friend last night from koala land and she told me that its not that nice to live in Koala land as the cost of living has gone up tremendously. Meaning unless you have a awsome pawsome job and both husband and wife are working you will live a pretty poor miserable life. She told me to rather live in Europe or Singapore or Malaysia which now I come to think about it is true. Dammmm man I reallly need help........how what to do. To dive into the green grass that I imagine or do look for a green patch in where I am.....

Life at an intersection

What do you dont know what to do with your life. I am at an intersection right now where if I do go forth with my PR application I will leave for aussie land in months and might not be able to have a life like I do now. But if I dont I will be stuck with my parents here for life. Ok I will let the law make my decision. If I do qualify for the point system in July I will do it and give it a go and since KJ is willing to go with me. If not I will stay and do my dad's business. Going there is not going to be easy for me as I need to start everything a new. Need a good paying job and all is not going to be an easy job. Will see how things go. As for me and KJ the only things we need is to talk to my parents which is going to be a bitch I know. So just pray that things will just work out for me.....:)

A new Year a new life

A new year and a new life has begun. I am beginning to realise why my parents disagree with me being overseas and all. I will try my best here in KL for another few years before I decided to take my luck elsewhere. I love being able to have the freedom to do all I want when I am in Melbourne. However that's because my family wasnt there. Now i guess my mom has let things go a little more on me so we will see how things go.

As with the bf, we are getting there. I hope things will be bright and shinny for us :).

As for my work..... willll update that when things get clearer.
Now my only goal is to save up more and be happpy :P

Feeling Crap

You know how the saying goes learn to love yourself before you love others.
I reallly have not love myself that much lately. I have been abusing myself with pillls and vitamins and medicines and all the shit. I know I might not live long but oh wellll. All I can say is I wanna be there for him right now. Be there for as long as I could. Learn to love him and learn to be a better person. I wanna sometimes bash myself up thinking what the hell you just did.

How sick my thoughts are

Sometimes I think maybe just maybe if I were to be missing or lost who will be worried for me.
I am seriously seriously dissapointed with my mom. Every guy I date she has something to say. frist T she says he is a gambler and looks retarted. Ok fine. Then KJ, he is an indian and he might not make enough to support you and the family in future. So whats next...........
It just seems to me like my mom doesnt like every guy I date.... I don't know.
To me she just doesn't want me to get married and stay with her for the rest of her life and be her gal. Oh welll if that is what she wants I guessss I willl probably give in since I don't think I willl ever get married. So why bother looking forward for pushing people to marry me. End of the day my mom willl stilll say no..................
Since mom threaten me that if I do she might get a heart attack and die or whatsoever
And I might even make my dad sick and all my sisters not able to get married.
So whatever it is its my fault if any of this happens to me.
So what will u choose urself or ur family????????

Screw man.... can't wait tillllll I die.
I know I am full of shit.
But when you are in my situation you might be suiciding toooooo.

Gonna Start bloging back

I seriously screwed up my life, I think. I am sooo aimless so full of negativity. When I first started dating T at 19 I thought my life was pretty much set. Get married at 27 have kids at 29 and help dad out in his business. Oh was I so screwed when mom forced me to come back to KL after I graduated and T had to cont his studies. Yes we we living apart for 2 and half years before all things went from bad to worst and finalllly we broke up. I balme it on him for having another gal. he blames it on me to be so demanding in life. Anyways there goes my whole dream and whatsoever that comes with it. After alll that I started going on a serious relationship with KJ and its has been 2 years and yes I am 27 and will hit 28 very very very soon. and yes I am no where in getting nearer to getting myself married to him or whatsoever. There is the " my mom doesnt like him part and the we are not financially ready to get married part". So with alllll that I am so so so so so even more lost in life. Yes he promised me that we will get married. But I have learned that things changes as life goes on and promises are meant to be broken sometimes. We cannot promise or control what goes on in our life.
Maybe the only thing that we can do is hope. I on the other hand has given up in hope I guess.
To me right now all I want is to be happy for as long as I can. Whether I willl be someone's wife or not might not be important to me anymore. Coz life's short and who knows.........so why do I even wanna slave myself for things that I know I might not have.
Last month my mom told me that I had to start to focus on my dad's bussiness, I told her I will but I told myself its till they are not around. I am doing this for them not for myself. To me, I dont have anything to live for except my parents and KJ now. They are what is keeping me going every day and night.
Sometimes I think I am a sick..........I guesss when u hope for tooo much and when u falll and lose everything you hope for, its hard getting yourself back on track and live for yourself.

Ships that cannot sink nor float

I failed badly in my past relationship. cheated, lied to, and deceived. I have been loyal to the X but what I get is just this. He went off got himself a chick and marries. What about those promises he made when we were on a long distance relationship....hmmm. Anyway its over and I have already hopped onto another ship. How's this ship?????

He is nice, treats me well and all u ever wanted in a guy but the down side to it is mom and dad does not like him. Its the race thing. Sigh.

I have seriously ran out of ideas on what to do. I think I am going to leave it as it is till he pushes to get married and then at that time i will have to see what I should do. I know I know it will be very soon but who knows what will happen to me till then i don't wanna commit to anything.
Don't get me wrong here, I am all ready to get married ever since the X said he will marry me no matter what. But I guess its not my time and luck.

Maybe I am meant to not be married. Maybe its better then I don't have to make anyone sad or mourn when I die. And yes its ok to die alone and have no one at your funeral, because you won't even notice it and when you die its a whole new afterlife and I don't know what will happen. So its there a different between dying alone and dying with a whole lot of people in ur funeral.

Don't get me wrong here I do love K very much and wish to be with him day and night but with the whole mom and dad not allowing thing, I am realllly reallllly stressed. I guess either way I will be unhappy. I guess I will know by then what to do.

What will you do in my situation.
Marry K when he is ready?
or not marry him because of your family?

All about June

June came and gone so fast that I did not even noticed it. June was a pretty big month for me as it was K's birthday. I celebrated his birthday at some steamboat place as he was craving for it. After that every weekend was spend celebrating his birthday with his friends and our friends. Therefore I can say I think I have put on the weight I lost since I started kickboxing a few months ago. Sigh......
Recently I have been thinking quite a lot actually. About life and about my future. I have made a decision to be single for life. I think its easier for me and everyone around me. I am not saying that I am not happy with K. I am very happy but I have family problems that I would say will never allow us to tie the knot. So whether I like it or not.... things are going to stay the same for the rest of my life.
Yes you can say I am selfish or my parents are selfish. Whichever way I think its still my fault in some ways. I don't expect him to wait or anything, he has a life to go on too rite?
The question that people tend to ask me is are u going to be lonely?
I guess i will but do I have a choice my question is. Would you leave your parents and not be there when they are ill and sick and be with someone you love? I reallly don't know the answer.
So I guess I will let things be and enjoy my life. Plus who knows. Life's short especially with cancer being the no one killer nowadays. I am not jinx-ing myself just something to think about sometimes.
So what I do now is aim to lose weight and travel the world when I have someone to go with right now :).

Celebrations adn trips

Recently I went to bandung with mom and sis. The place is reallly heaven for shopholics like my family. The amount of stuff you could purchase is reallly crazy. I bought zara short for RM 36 only..... and zara working pants RM 36 and shirts from RM 28.....sooo go figure how much I shopped.

That was just day 1, so can u imagine day 3........










Weeeeee.......... and next month which is next week its my darling's birthday *wink * *wink*
He will officially turn .............(sorry he will kill me if i tell)

Its going to be the 20th month

Its going to be 20 months in a few more days for me and KJ..... Seams like forever but we stilll fight all the time. Sighhhhhhhh.
I really cannot wait till we celebrate our 2 years anniversary.

My Life so far....

Things has been going reallly well.....hehehehehe. It looks like things are getting better for me. I begin to realize that life is not easy yet it has all the sweetness and bitterness to it. Since the day I started dating Kajen, I realize I am more matured now and its all because of him.. He thought me a lot in life unlike my ex. He is more mature and loves me to bits and pieces. As for me I do love him too and hope that one day my parents and sisters will be able to accept him. he is a far much better guy that T. I am reallly glad to have found him.

I know things will work out between us :)

We have been dining out quite a lot hence me being FAT>>>>> Arghhhhhhh

But still he loves me :) hahahahahahaha

How time flies

Its been a year since me and Thomas actually broke up. If I were to say that I don't miss him, its not true. We have been together for over 6 years before we call it off. Maybe because we were far away from each other for 3 years plus. Or maybe its just me wanting security in life. Anyhow its all over and K has been in my life ever since we broke off. K has been caring and loving and understanding. Unfortunately my parents does not really approve of this relationship. I really don't know what I should do. Should I just be with him because of my feelings or should I be selfish and think about what I want in life.
Sometimes I feel like I should throw everything away and wishes that time will just fast forward in front of me till I am gone. I now live my life day by day minutes by minutes and seconds by seconds. Whatever that comes by me I will have to face it.
It feels like I let my life crumbled and fall because I wasn't brave enough to make the decision and step up 3 years back. Maybe things will be different then. Maybe I will not be this lost. What are you fighting for in life.........
What are you hoping for in life...........
I just feel lost and insecure..................
There is this hole in my heart that is growing bigger as time pass by.
K told me to be patient and things will be fine.
Maybe he is right. I will just sit here and go on with my life and hopes that one day i will see the light in this dark tunnel that I am in.

Given Up

I have thought it over and have given up hope in marriage and family. I don't ever think I will be able to get married have kids and also have a happy family like any other girls. I just think that whatever hope I have has been ruined by Thomas Lau Li Hwa. Promises after promises, hopes after hopes. Still he has to be selfish and all. What do I have to say when I have wasted all my youth years waiting for a person. Oh well I guess karma will come to him one day. On the other hand mom doesnt want me to be with KJ because he is of different race. She feels that I won't be happy and all. If mom will go to the extend of disowning me what should I do. Leave my family for KJ or leave KJ for my family. Seriously I don't know what to do. Maybe I should just be alone forever. Anyway I will be too old to know anyone now already. might as well just be alone. My parents wants me to build a career, have my own company one day but I don't see the point as even I were to have a company I don't have anyone to share my happiness and sadness with and what is the point working so hard when at the end of the day when you come home you will still be greeted by an empty house. Who am I to blame........I guess my life is meant to be like this. No matter what I do I am meant to fail in having a family and kids. I reallly do want to get married have kids and also a home. I want to be able to bring life into this world. But probably this is not and never my faith.

Its not that I don't love KJ but just that its going to be impossible to have a family with him. My family won't accept it and how would his family react to all of this when they find out. I really ran out of ideas on what to do. How long is Kj willing to wait. Is he gonna be like Thomas and leave me for another girl in future if I cannot get marry to him. I really have no idea. We will see by then. I know its not fair to you KJ but then I really don't know what to do.

I reallly don't want to go out and look anymore. i don't want to love a person adn to find out my parents are not ok with him. I hate it. i rather not look anymore plus KJ treats me very well and loves me a lot. I just don't know what to do. Hopefully one day things will be clear for me. As for now I just want to be alone. I think maybe my mom wants me to be alone for the rest of my life.
I don't think I can take being alone for the rest of my life. Maybe I will just kill myself before i get old and sick and lonely.

I think I will not ever be that person who is always happy and cheerful anymore. That person is dead. Now I am just going to take one day at a time till the time comes. Therefore since my parents brought me up, paid for my education, my life is theirs and hence I will do whatever they want me to do. So I guess i will try my very best to concentrate on thinking about something to build a company up. As for what I am doing it, its all because of my parents.

Therefore, from today onwards I have to learn to live alone, take care of myself and also but a funeral insurance for myself. In case when I die who is going to settle my funeral. I have decided to not to burried but just cremate and throw my ashes into the sea or some forest so in future since there is not going to be anyone to visit me so I guess leave nothing behind is the best.

So we will see how it goes. As for now just be happy for what I have and be glad that I still have people that loves me.

I am ALIVE !!!!

Hey there I very very much alive. I havent been blogging lately because

i) I dont know what to write about...its not that nothing is happening to my life its just some
things i cannot blog about due to the sensitivity of the issue.
ii) I have been an emotional pot recently and its alll because of .......... I dont know why oh why..hence cannot concentrate on work and all.
iii) Been travelling a lot due to work

and 10 000 more other stupid reasons.

Recently i have been a super duper emo pot ( as I mentioned) cause I really don't know what to do with my pathetic little life. I have nothing much to look forward to as I see my life just passes by like that.

Maybe because I have lost all hopes after ..... Until today I cannot tell myself there is still hope. The way I see things changed day by day. I am starting to not hope for anything to happen to my life. I am starting to tell myself not to look forward to anything in life. Maybe then one day I will be able to come out of the dark and see the bright light again.

I am not sure what have I done wrong...
Maybe life's unfair and when shits happen u have to live with it and suck it up and continue the journey.

Till I blog next....tata